Man in the Middle

I'm a communication freak. I look around and see so many escalations that really come out of simple communication missteps. I try to avoid them myself but you know, sometimes it's easier said than done.

There's an interesting scenario I see over and over though. It's the triangle expectation. You see it a lot with teenagers, and as a matter of fact the person who first brought it to my attention was my boss, telling me about a conversation he was trying to have with his teenaged daughter. What is the triangle expectation? Well, have you ever had a conversation with someone where it seemed like you just couldn't connect? It seemed like they could have been in a debate speaking for some independent moderator to declare a "WINNER"? So the conversation feels like it's not between the two of you, because it's really not - a third invisible person is involved - hence the triangle.

It's learned behaviour really, when we were little Mom or Dad (or teacher) was the head of the triangle and if there was a fight or disagreement, you'd escalate up to Mom or Dad (or teacher). They'd assess fault, decide if you were right, and meter out the punishment. And that kind of triangle is always present with us, isn't it. Look at a courtroom - prosecution, defence and Judge (head of the triangle). It's there in sports - opposing teams and a referee. So we learn that structure really well.

What we don't pay as much attention to is the two-way communication and how to make that effective. We aren't usually taught until much later about each person's experiences shaping their perspective. We aren't taught early on to listen and ask why, and to try to connect and find an agreement. We're taught that someone has to be right and someone has to be at fault - the guilty party. And so we learn defensiveness, overcompensation, bullying. And usually we aren't even aware of it.

After my conversation with my boss, I started really paying attention to my conversations. And I realized that we go into conversations loaded up with assumptions we aren't even aware we're making. Boy was that a Eureka moment for me. To realize that your assumption is wrong or flawed, when you weren't even aware you were making that assumption is a really powerful thing.

Since then, I've tried to help my little guys figure out their own disagreements, and figure out when they need to escalate. In the beginning I would sit with them to hear them out. Prompt them when maybe they could share a little something to help their other person understand the background or perspective. They seem to be taking to it really well. The yelling hasn't gone away - there's always going to be yelling. But it makes me happy to see them defuse their own arguments, and is it just me, or do they seem to like each other's company more?

Now I just need to work on me. :-)