Homework battles

My first you're-out-of-school-now-whatcha-gonna-do-with-yourself job was teaching.

I loved it.

Still love it, even though I don't teach anymore (aka became an I.T. nerd instead).

I dream about being able to homeschool my babas one day... although I know that's probably not ever going to happen...

So I make do by being as involved as I can with my kids and their education. Or at least I used to.

I used to go through all the day's work with them to make sure they really understood the lesson. Made sure all homework was done. Pick up on problem areas and try to show practical examples in everyday life that would reinforce the concept and help teach the lesson. All that good stuff.

Then I had the baby 16mths ago.

I still did homework with the boys, but it was getting a little difficult to squeeze everyone in...

Then came the layoff, job search, starting to freelance.

I will admit, homework suffered. Their dad took up some of the slack, but I just couldn't get in there like I used to. I mean I made sure it was done - asked to see it and glance through to make sure it looked ok. But nothing rigorous, and not strictly every day like before.

Once things started to settle down a little bit, I tried to get back into the homework and studies thing.

I found that M would tell me his homework was already done and disappear in some corner until I was tired calling for him to get his things for me to check back. One day I was appalled to see not one but MANY Incompletes scribbled in his books. He'd "forget" to do a piece of homework and have to squeeze it in while at school. I was appalled.

How could this happen to me? To my kid?

BAD MOM!

Ok so I try to be more vigilant and really get in there every single day, but that's so much easier than it sounds when the baby's feeding time, the boys' homework time and dinner prep all needs to happen at the same time.

Sometimes I'm just so tired and overwhelmed I just accept the "I did it at school and Miss checked it back already". This generally came from G - the older boy, and I thought it was a little odd, but I let it go.

Then one day it really bothered me - why is all his homework done at school now? Shouldn't I be able to get involved? Even if the homework is done in class, shouldn't the books at least be sent home and not collected until the next day? It IS homework after all?

Stupid me.

Seriously.

Stupid me!


On Friday, my husband picked up the boys from school, only to have the teacher come to the door, reprimand him loudly for not making sure G does his homework, and that she's fed up of it, turn on her heel and head back inside.

While he stood there with his jaw hanging. Dumbstruck and speechless.

Now her attitude aside (bet that conversation would have happened differently if I was there. I can relate to her frustration, but I wish she'd have said something before, or called us in or something), I cannot begin to explain how upset this makes me.

First of all my poor husband had to stand there and take this, probably feeling like he was in the Twilight Zone. This guy hears the homework conversations every day. Sees me checking back M's homework. And hears me griping about why I can't be checking back G's homework. And why can't I even see the homework notebook to see what homework's being given?

All this time, I was being fed well... no other word for it... lies. My 9 year old decided to lie to me on a daily basis to get out of doing homework? How long had this been going on? Why didn't I know?

Sometimes I think I just have to be the dumbest mom on the planet. How could I not see through that?

I'm so disappointed in my son. And in myself for allowing other things to distract me from my kids issues so much that they could carve out a little place where they would be safe telling lies.

Neighbourkids Update

For those of you kind enough to give me your advice on my neighbourkid situation, I know you've been wondering how that turned out. Wellll..... I haven't said anything. I've been keeping the front door closed until I'm "ready for company" And it's hot here. Usually my door is open once we wake up, and we get lovely breezes going through the house.

Boo! non-confrontational scaredy me...

It's not that I'm really scaredy, it's just that I think it would be really easy to come away with misunderstandings that would filter down to the kids and make them feel terrible. Or make the mom feel terrible. And that's not what I want at all...

So what is it that I want?

Well I want there to be that respect for the adults in the house. From my kids, and any of their visiting friends. I was raised to be polite to the parents first - Good morning! Hello! Thank you!

The younger neighbourboy used to just wander in silently and just. stand. there. You'd never even know he was there, or how long he was there. But we had a couple little chats about how I'd love to hear him say "Good morning!" when he comes in, and he does it so well and so cheerily now, that it really does make me smile, and I don't mind his visits. I do sometimes mind the HOURS of the visits, but we're getting there...

What irks me to no end though is when the older brother comes to stand just beyond my front door and sends the younger brother in to do his bidding. Which usually entails calling my oldest boy outside so that he can quietly ask him to go do something they both know I have forbidden.

What's with the sneakiness? You want to play with my kids, but you'll only approach them if the parents aren't around. You'll play with them, but only where YOU want to, even if it means they have to leave the friends and game their currently engaged in. What?! Where is this kid getting this?

Not a fan of sneakiness in children or adults, I positioned myself on the verge of their play the other day so I could hear better the whisperings of Neighbourboy. Imagine my surprise to hear:

1. Trying to convince the younger kids to gang up on the little girl upstairs to not play with her because he doesn't like her. And yet, he plays with her all the time. But her younger sister - she's cool - you can play with her. I was so mad.
2. Relentless non-step mocking of my oldest as he was practicing a new game of marbles his dad had taught all the kids to play the day before. (You STILL can't get that? You suck you know that? Oh and by the way, you suck.) Hey kid! Take a breath! 

Well NOW I understand why he never wants to try any new games we're playing out in the yard. I thought his being overweight was the barrier, but now I know he's afraid to fail. And that makes me sad. But it goes against everything I teach my boys about learning from failure... so you know who transformed into Cheerleader! That's right,

Job Description section 3A - Mommy will act as Cheerleader to encourage and motivate her brood.

Clearly this kid has some issues to sort out. And I really do feel bad for him. I don't think any of his actions are really motivated from a wicked place, but I do think that they need some attention. How exactly do you say that to a mom?


Hey! Your kid seems to be a little short on the manners and seems to be sorting through some self-esteem issues. Gonna work with him a little on that when he comes to visit, ok? Alrighty then! Nice flowers! Bye!

I have no idea how I'm going to eventually handle this one. But if they're going to be around, they're going to know what is acceptable and not in this house.

Any parents or teachers out there with advice on how to encourage more constructive behaviours and self-esteem in a kid like this? I could really do with the advice!

On a side note I have to tell you about Sakura Bloom's sample sale going on right now! These are limited quantity, seriously gorgeous, silk and linen baby slings, so they're bound to go fast. Perfect gift for mothers of little ones, and moms-to-be!

Nobody from Sakura Bloom has any idea I'm writing this - I've always admired their slings, and I found out about their sale from Stephanie at AdventuresInBabywearing.com.

Monday's Muse - Reflections

With your sister's first birthday just 2 weeks away, you'd probably expect this to be about her. But this is about you, my oldest child. And me, struggling to be the best mother to you that I can.

You amaze me. You are so generous with your kindness and your smile lights up a room. Your are the happiest child I know. But your big heart is fragile.

We had a rough day yesterday kid. We had some laughs, but we had some tension too. You know, as smart and independent as you are, you still need guidance. Trust me and I promise not to steer you wrong. Sometimes I don't have the words to explain to you, although I know you would understand. And sometimes, I don't want you to have to understand. I want you to relax and go play, and be a child, and... just trust me.

And sometimes, I just don't have it together. Sometimes I'm just trying to deal with the biggest emergency of the hour. And because you're so good, that puts you down on the list doesn't it. But that doesn't mean go acting out for the attention, cos it won't be good attention. And I expect better of you. And my heart breaks for you, because I know you deserve more.

But I'm doing my best.

I tell you lighten up kid, and it's because I'm saying it to me. Because I see in you, a mini me. I see me at 8 - people-loving and precocious. But I also see the me I am now. I know you want to be grown up and help, and so you try to marshall everyone into line, protecting your mummy. When you're anxious and you snap at your brother, I know where it comes from. I try to set you a better example, but... I got my moments. Don't pattern on those. Mommy's wrong sometimes. :-)

I'd like to think that your easy laugh and your love for your family and your fearless determination to protect those weaker than you... I'd like to think that that comes from me. You're a joy to be around. I want you to know that even when I have to put your sister to bed and I can't have you with me, that it's never that I don't want you with me.

One day you'll understand the cliche that "parenting doesn't come with manuals". You'll understand that your Mom loved you even when she was yelling at you. That climbing the mossy trees in the rain didn't make her angry, it scared the crap out of her. And that I have come too close to losing you once, so I know I'm not strong enough to do without you.

So do me a favour. Go be my little ninja-tarzan-athlete. Be happy. And know that I am always there for you, even when it seems that I am far. :-)

Check out Cinnamon and Honey for more Monday Muses.

Monday's Muse - Mom Wars

Cat fights and cattiness. Bickering and downright b!#chiness. Let's face it, women have a reputation for fighting each other down. In the stereotypical example, the cheating husband slinks off while the wife and the mistress battle it out. If you listen to the media, the battle is taking shape on a whole new front. It's the Mom Wars.

Check out this CBS News Special Feature clip. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I saw it last week, so I've made it this week's Monday's Muse topic.

Seems the media is having a field day playing up the "VERSUS" angle - Alpha vs Beta. I get why the "Alpha Mom" would have caught the spotlight. I get how interesting it is to look at moms who manage to be successful at both that fulltime Homemaker job, as well as the Office job. I mean for most people doing either well seems to be just about all we can handle. How DO they do it. It's fascinating and worthwhile discussion. But now what you have is not "There's a group of moms with another philosophy out there" but rather "Hey these other moms think the Alpha moms have it wrong". Because reality TV's taught us everything's more exciting with a Showdown, hasn't it? "Oh, and by the way, you moms out there join in too - take our quiz and see which mom you are!" Thanks, but I don't need to know what category you think I should be pigeonholed into.

What are they missing? Well two things, really. There's more than one way to parent. Duh, there's more than TWO ways to parent. Each of us has nuances to our own personalities that are reflected in the way we parent. And the world is made up of more than 2 personality types. Even the TypeA/B personality test has a Type AB personality. There's a lot more I can say on that, but that's a whole new post.

VERSUS. Like it's a boxing match.

The big thing for me, is in this - the blogging community. Moms are blogging more than ever before (I've been blogging for less than a month). And that's got to say something. Here's what it says to me - it says that there's lots of us trying to figure out how to do it right. Not in some kind of template form, but as it comes. We want to catch our mistakes before it's too late, to learn from the experiences of others, to have have an outlet where other people just get it. So we can stay sane and manage this parenting job the only way we know how - with our own individual "flavour".

And that VERSUS. That's not what I see here. I see lots of support. I see a community that encourages and doesn't take advantage of the vulnerabilities that are put out there. At least that's been my experience. Because it doesn't matter that my house is a mess and yours is pristine. That's not where our connection lies. Even the most perfect mom has an off day. And when you do, I got your back. And even though that mom over there feels like a failure on a daily basis, some days are just sent from heaven. And I got your back then too.

So here's my take on the Mom Wars.

1: You want news? Tell me more about Beta moms. What did you find? What's the motivation? Tell me about the moms in between and about the Type A girl, who's turned out to be a Type B mom. And vice versa. But don't try to make your news on the battle of the A's against the B's.

And 2: There's no-one in the world who can relate to this job, except another mom. And we don't have to be alike, or agree with each other, (heck we don't even have to like each other) we can still connect on that level. Another something only moms will get.

Check out Cinnamon and Honey for more Monday Muses.

So the Flip's dead... and I'm a Wuss

Well, I haven't resurrected the Flip yet. For those of you reading this who don't know about my passion for my Flip, check this post "Baby Steps" to get caught up. I am so mad. But I haven't given up on it yet. I am however going to have to use my lame-o camera phone to pretend tomorrow is the first day of school, and take my First Day Back pictures.

Not that I've given up on the stupid Flip. I can be stubborn (sometimes). :-)

I need to stop calling it stupid or else it won't ever work for me again.

And I should probably have some compassion cos 2 years is probably long in original-Flip years.

So anyway, no Back to School pictures in their nice new uniforms. And when I was reading all your back to school posts last week and sympathizing, well of course I felt that the boys are Big now (they're 8 and 6) so I have no qualms about them heading back to school. Until the morning of.

The drive to school was really tough. T-O-U-G-H. Little man is very attached to me and has great difficulty processing emotions. Since I wasn't working yet, he got to spend lots of time at home with me. By choice incidentally, since we were still sending them to camp as usual. Except he would choose to stay home with me most days. So of course, he whispers to me "Can I go to work with you today?"

How much does that tug on your heartstrings?! So here I am all prepared for them to go back to school, and then he pulls this on me. I really wish I could have kept him home with me, but I know that's just prolonging the inevitable.

Big son didn't help, although he tried to be brave, especially realizing I had my hands full with his brother. Until he tells me very bravely. "I'm going to miss you today." Oh hon. I miss you all the time when I'm away from you.

I am going to spare you the details of the separation on the school compound, but let's just say there were little boy tears and I had to enlist a teacher I love to shepherd Little Man away. She's always known I'm a Wuss.

Tonight they're all sleeping in Mummy and Daddy's bedroom. Big bed, mattresses, sleeping bags, crib... It's crowded but happy. What the hell am I going to do when they go off to college?

Just kidding. I won't be stalker mom.

Well.

We'll see when the time comes. :-)

To my followers. Thanks for following me. I think you must enjoy spending time with me and my thoughts, and you motivate me to continue to write. Thank you for your encouragement.

Carefree Abandon

20-08-2009

Today I was reminded of what childhood carefree abandon felt like.

As I watched my boys frolic in the water in the hot hot sun with their friends I was transported back to my childhood.

It didn't start out that way. With Aunty Stacy at the top of the water slides, I positioned myself at the splash pool at the foot of the slides. On the lookout for anything or anyone that could cause any harm to come to our group of boys. But as the time wore on, and as I assessed that the lifeguards were indeed vigilant, and that the boys weren't being overly rambunctious, I started to be absorbed in their adventures.

They had not a care in the world, and they committed every fiber of their beings to having FUN. You couldn't help but chuckle out loud observing their antics. And their friendship. They created imaginary storylines. They looked out for each other. They enjoyed each others' company. And most of all they found adventure in the most ordinary things.

Thank God.

As a child we roamed our neighbourhood - walked on roofs, climbed trees, played cricket in the street, played races in the street. Played "slow bicycle race" - slowest man wins. :-) We picked cherries, and mangoes and pommecytheres. We had lip-sync competitions in the street. And hide-and-seek with an entire neighbourhood block as the hiding zone. We turned lazy tropical days into memories we will all treasure forever.

This is the childhood I wanted for my boys. But the reality has been different. In an age of kidnappings and too much TV, how do you protect your children and still give them the freedom to imagine and adventure? There's no easy answer, but watching my boys yesterday, I made a resolution.

To my boys:
1. I promise to encourage your grand adventures... and your lasting friendships.
2. I recognize that you're ready for more freedom, and I promise to loosen the reigns, but not to give them up completely.
I am after all, by definition, your Mom.

***EDIT*** To my surprise this post, written with a full heart and teary eyes has gotten quite a response from you. I have gotten so many emails from you in the weeks since this was first posted, and I'm glad to know I'm not alone. :-)

With that encouragement I've entered this post in a "Best Mommy Moments" contest at Future Mama's. She just had a "Best Breastfeeding Post" contest, and I got an honorable mention there for Quiet Time (another full-heart post that got great reactions from you guys). There are a lot of other great posts that other moms like me listed and I encourage you to go read in support of fellow moms.

I love my family...

Ok I know you're supposed to love your family. And I do. Unquestionably. All the time. But despite that love, I gotta tell you that sometimes they drive me crazy and make me long to run away and disappear for an hour (or day) or so... I mean I wonder at those moms who never raise their voices and, lovingly prepare awesome meals their kids love, while keeping a spotless house and entertaining their broods with creative sports and craft and.... that is GREAT! How do they do that?!

No really, how do they do that? Somebody teach me the secret. Am I the only one who's house isn't spotless, and whose kids love potatoes today, and hate them tomorrow? Who can be heard yelling at boys to stop jumping off couches, and that they're too close to the TV. Me, I'm happy if everyone's relatively happy and whole at the end of the day, despite the bedtime tears that inevitably follow "Time to brush teeth and get into bed."

But after all the drama, when everyone's finally asleep, and I watch those little angels sleep... I think to myself that they have no idea how much I love them - although I'm sure they think they do. But the measure of my love isn't in the hugs and kisses I shower them with. It isn't in proud display of kid's art on my office wall. Or the millions of kids photos that find their way as my Profile pics - never of me, always of them.

It's in watching over my sleeping baby girl as she tosses and struggles through teething AND a nasty cold. It's in amazement as my husband comes outside to sit with me with the sick kid at 3am even though he has a big job that day. It's in that march into school with my oldest boy to confront his teacher when the bruises on his arm confirmed his complaints of a bullying classmate, a claim his teacher had adamantly denied. It's waking up in the middle of the night to put on a load of laundry because my younger boy has an outing the next day and I'm sure he'll want to wear his favourite cargo pants.

It's in NOT buying that Wii for their birthdays because you don't need a Wii AND a DS and a PS2 AND a GameCube. It's in teaching that there's value in learning to pitch a tent, and build a fort, and that homemade pinatas made of papier mache are waaay better than store-bought cardboard ones!

It's in my silent prayer at night that I'll be lucky enough to have one more day to do right by them.

So when DID I become my mother???

I used to be the Fun Aunt, and the grade-school teacher whose class you wanted to be in. Parents were soooo out of touch. Don't they remember they were young once too? I got the psychology of it. The practical fun of it. When I had my boys - 2yrs apart - I treasured them. I didn't get pulled into tantrums, I distracted them. And they were happy. I was patient. I remember saying out loud - those people screaming at their kids in the mall... that's no good for anyone! And if they didn't want kids they shouldn't have had them.

Gulp. So when did I lose sight of all that. And become my mom? And my neighbour? When did I stop having fun watching them be kids, and start trying to make them perfect?

I heard myself the other day. My 8-yr old was being particularly mean to his little brother, and I tried to reprimand him and just totally lost my cool. As I yelled at him, I heard myself. And I heard my neighbours' mom. The screaming lady. Oh my gosh. I've become the screaming lady.

This isn't supposed to happen! We're Generation X! We can choose to do what we want... on our terms... We are in control of our destiny! I don't want to be the out of touch mom who isn't taken seriously unless she yells. I want to be the mom who's sitting out there, having fun with her kids. But maybe there is room for "You'll spoil your eyes" Mom in there too.

I'm just going to have to find my own way...